I'm so mad at you.
I'm mad that you moved me to a place far away from everything I know. I'm mad that I don't see you enough anymore. I'm mad that I don't get the same attention that I'm so used to getting from you. I'm mad that you didn't prepare me enough for all these changes, especially the weather. I'm mad that you now work 7 days a week. I'm mad that you don't see your daughter as much since we moved here. I'm mad that you don't know her schedule anymore or change nearly enough diapers. I'm mad that you haven't been around for bath time because it used to be your special time with her. I'm mad that we don't just talk as much as we used to. I'm mad that you have made me feel so alone at times. I'm mad that you didn't really explain to me how different this life was going to be as a cattle ranching wife. I'm mad that we don't spend nearly enough alone time together anymore. I'm just so mad at you.
Then I did your laundry.
How selfish have I been? So damn selfish. I forgot to flip this situation around and see it from your perspective. I forgot to put myself in your shoes. I'm so mad at myself. As I grabbed your jeans, the dirt fell to the floor. Your shirts smelled like afterbirth from the calving season that is currently upon us. Your clean white socks we just picked out together at Costco were covered in lord knows what. I felt so sorry for you, like this flood of emotion fell over me. I feel sorry that I haven't given you enough credit for what you are now doing with your life, for us, for your family. It's work to be proud of, but it is hard work. I feel sorry that I haven't been able to see that your lack of presence in our lives right now is because you are working your ass off. I mean, I can't say that I haven't noticed just how hard you are working because I have. Yet it felt different today when I washed your clothes.
You have to understand that the situation we left back in Ephrata was pretty nice in regards to your work schedule, as you already know but I'm just explaining it from my perspective. There was so much more flexibility. You were (usually) home on time and if there was something important going on like an appointment I wanted you to be present for, you were always there. You took me to dinner, we went to movies. We hung out on the couch watching Netflix together. You answered your phone almost every time I called. Now I call and it is sometimes hours before I hear back from you. You were here.
I feel like a fool.
Here I was upset by so many things when everything you have sacrificed and everything you do every day is all in support of me getting to stay home to raise our daughter. We moved here knowing what the future holds for us as a family, part of a family business that is truly special and sacred. Maybe I just haven't truly seen it until now. I've had a hard time looking at the big picture because I've been so wrapped up in "me" and how I feel about this whole new way of life. I complain about the rain but here you are, working out it in every day. Rain or shine, there are no breaks because the cows rely on you and your presence.
We have only been here for a short time and I'm actually so relieved to be feeling this now because what if I didn't have this "ah ha" moment today? Where would we be six months from now? That scares me. So right now in this moment I just want to say that I'm sorry for making this about me, when I forgot to make it about you, too.
You are such a kind, loving, strong, hardworking man who doesn't get enough credit. I can be a nag and I know it. I can't promise I won't get annoyed when you leave your socks tucked in the couch or when you leave the toilet seat up, but I promise to be a more patient and understanding wife. We are in the midst of one of the busiest times of year for the ranch besides hay season. There are going to be days, weeks, even months where you aren't around as much. But there are also going to be times you get to relax a little bit and spend more time with us. I so look forward to those days.
When we got married I vowed to be there for you, through thick and thin. I give you my promise that I will never stop being here for you, ever. Even though we haven't been spending as much time together as I would like, I feel closer to you than ever. Through this move and transition we have leaned on each other, even when I was feeling mad at you. I knew I couldn't express these feelings to you at the time because it wasn't fair, and it wasn't your fault. I can't promise that I won't have my moments here adjusting to this new way of life because it is so different for me. I never really understood just how hard this life can and will be, but the good will far outweigh the bad in the long run. At least I hope so.
Thank you for showing me patience and continuing to be the man who will do anything for his family. We are so lucky and we love you so much. Cheers to the future because we got this and we are going to be okay.